For Nan

Talk about a case of writer’s block. I sat up last night at 2:30 in the morning trying to write a eulogy to my adoring grandmother.

And I couldn’t. And it pissed me off. Staring at a blank screen for more than an hour really made me angry. Because I’m a writer. I write articles and essays and blogs and songs and screenplays, and I can’t seem to find the words to tell a room full of family and friends what my adoring grandmother meant to me?

Then it dawned on me. I can’t find the words to tell you how I feel about my grandmother because words are simply not enough. They just won’t work in this situation. Not even close. Words have toppled governments and started wars and launched space shuttles, but what I feel for my Nana is mine that she gave me over a lifetime- and I wish I could share it with you with words but it’s just not possible.

I sat on the plane down here and rattled off a five-page essay on how amazing it was for her, for all of us, to have had a man like Irving by her side. The words just flowed out of me like water. But not now. They just don’t want to work for me in this case. They know they’re not nearly strong enough to deliver the message, as it would be intended. Basically, they were telling me I was on my own.

One thing I can tell you is I’m glad she’s no longer in pain. And that’s the only reason I’m not a complete basket case up here. Because I saw what she went through these last few months and I wished several times she would just pass and end her suffering. But each time I thought that, I saw that the sicker she got, the more her will to live got stronger- and if she was willing to go through all of that torture, all of that humiliation, all of those wonderful, dignity robbing moments around the clock, 7 days a week, who was I to tell her no?

Near the end, when she couldn’t speak, I would call her cellphone anyway, just to hear her voice, and she would mumble something completely unintelligible . And even though I couldn’t understand a word she was saying, I understood them all. Again, words were not necessary.

Through it all, the most amazing thing about my Nana was that she never lost her sense of humor. She was joking around with me even when there was nothing left to joke about, and her joking actually made me feel better. That was such an incredible act of selflessness. Here was a woman who went through more hell on earth than anyone I ever knew and yet she still had the ability, and desire, to make those around her feel okay with it. That – is a grandmother. She truly was and always will be my hero and my inspiration and I will keep her with me for the rest of my days.